Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

This woman is my idol. Free her.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

You deplete me

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about