Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one