Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

huge if true: the moon

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand