Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

😂😂

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”