Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.