Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps