Husband of the year 😂
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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Same post same
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket