Husband of the year 😂
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus