Husband of the year 😂
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
this chia pet tastes awful
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller