Husband of the year 😂
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definitely did not do anything wrong
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
The Weeknd is back
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me