Husband of the year 😂
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[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!