Husband of the year 😂
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*