Husband of the year 😂
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I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000