Husband of the year 😂
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.