Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
TRAIN’S HERE
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Can’t, holding a grudge
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*