Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.