Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.