Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.