Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.