Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
smh
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour