Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.