Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.