Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this