Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You Might Also Like
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?