Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You Might Also Like
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question