Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
look at me when i’m typing to you