[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
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By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident