Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Hamburger Hinderer.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I put the mess in domestic.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.