Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
