When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.