Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

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When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ


My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart


I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.


Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug


Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry


[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.


My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”


A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.