Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Ion see the issue
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
starting a garage orchestra
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!