Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

i actually laughed 😩

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Doggies just call it style.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.