Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

This will teach them to underestimate me

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.