Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Matthew was born for this.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting