Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
You Might Also Like
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.