Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*cough*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
wow
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
