Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!