Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
“That’s what” – She
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
thats my bad
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
