Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
What an awful time to have common sense.