husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
