Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

What about second breakfast?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe