husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
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GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked