Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?