Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun