Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

ㅤ

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.