Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

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Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?


To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.


Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich


i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes


The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science


Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones


Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times


“No more Mr Nice Guy”

~ Mr Nice Guy’s eulogy


Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.


Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*