Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
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bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My daily affirmation
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
OH. COME. ON.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer