Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.