Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.