Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”