Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
So creative 😂
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
but that was my emotional support daylight
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke