Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

The only good comments section online is on recipes

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

5 ways to appear taller

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Spotted in the wild

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.