Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court