[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now