Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Google Pay be like:

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.