*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I’m giving up ice.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
This is always good for a laugh.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.