Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second