Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*offers Batman cough drops*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.