Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them