Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.