Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

the official breakfast of 2021

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend