Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy