Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Just a friendly reminder!
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad