Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
thank god the sign was there
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it