Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is