Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker![]()
You Might Also Like
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.