Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Boom, boom, ching!
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Usage Guidelines
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Only a mother’s love …
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”