Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them