Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.