Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Moms. The original autocorrect.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.