Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Watson was Holmes schooled

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids