Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.