*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I saw nothing
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
How it started: How it’s going:
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”