*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4