Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

my favorite gender

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Netflix and you sit over there.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.