Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺