Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.