Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

#Caturday

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die