@sixfootcandy

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

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@huntigula

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@theshantilly

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@tamizdatum

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@mandysparklerxo

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

@MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

@fro_vo

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

@1fragmentedmind

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.