ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
me: im not some potato riot
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.