Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You Might Also Like
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.