Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Owl Sanctuary
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]